Tales From the Terran Republic

Skippy was cuddled up next to Jon as they sprawled in a pile of cushions. Jon was gently stroking her fur.

“Mmmmm...” she said happily. “You are so good at that.”

“At what?”

“Stroking my fur. It’s magical.”

“It’s a human thing,” Jon chuckled. “We see something soft and furry and we just have to pet it.”

“If all humans are as good as this,” Skippy said squeezing him tighter, “I should inform the Xvli people.”

“I could just see it,” Jon laughed, “Thousands of Xvli descending upon Terra looking to get rubbed the right way.”

Skippy started giggling.

“The only successful invasion of the Republic in galactic history,” she giggled. “Invasion of the horny rabbits! And speaking of horny rabbits...” she said looking up at him meaningfully. “Is ‘the little ambassador’ awake yet?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled, “We have time for some more ‘negotiations’.” He grabbed her by the scruff of the neck.

She moaned and wrapped her arms around him as she pulled him close.

***

Later as she stroked his hair Jon turned to her.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” he said as he smiled at her.

“What?”

“When we first met, you showed me your claws.”

“Well somebody had to put you in your place,” she giggled.

“That you did,” he laughed, “They were metal clad. That means you were in the military?”

“Yep. Cobalt Archers,” Skippy said with a smile. “Please don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Archers?”

“Yep,” Skippy said mimicking drawing a bow. “Think you are the only race that likes keeping it retro?”

“You mean like with an actual bow and arrow?”

“That’s how we bounce,” she chuckled. “Xvli special forces. We are trained in every weapon system known, even your crude bang-sticks, but our favorite weapon is the bow.”

“And they are still effective?”

“While their exact capabilities are kept secret you are the last person I have to tell the extent to which a primitive projectile can be enhanced,” she chuckled. “One open secret I do feel like sharing is that our ‘standard’ bodkins and broad-heads can pierce and slice things that you wouldn’t think could be pierced or sliced. Our fur is also a great medium for holding scanner scattering materials so we can get in close.”

“Yeah,” Jon said thoughtfully, “Our scanner cammo is ‘furry’ for exactly the same reason. Probably something that you already knew.”

“Yep. We have a bunch of your suits,” she grinned. “Nice stuff, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Jon laughed. “Glad you approve.”

“From the looks of them we both have the tactic, move in unseen and then cut them down before they can even squeak.”

“And the bow would be excellent,” Jon mused, “Silent... Both the bow and the arrows could easily be made out of scanner invisible materials… The payload, especially if the shaft was included, would greatly exceed a lot of our bullets… Fuck,” he said with an impressed tone of voice.

“And like your firearms our bows were a perfect solution born out of necessity,” Skippy said as she rubbed her face against Jon’s chest. “In our case it was the Silerurex.”

“Those marshmallows?”

“Yep,” Skippy giggled. “Before the Federation came and they decided to be perfect little members the Silerurex had a little empire going. They were the first in the area with FTL and they quickly took over the Vexa and the Durlum,” she said. “Then they decided that we would be a great addition,” she giggled.

“I take it that things didn’t exactly go according to plan?”

“Nope!” Skippy giggled. “We were about at the same point you guys were before you were annexed by the Juon Empire. We had roughly the same tech and we were in the golden age of interplanetary expansion,” she chuckled, “However two things were different. One, we weren’t bleeding out and in the middle of an extinction level system war. And two, the Silerurex were not the Juon. They didn’t last a year. Unfortunately for them they left plenty of wreckage with intact FTL drives. Three years later we took our show on the road and wiped out their entire empire.”

“You let them live?”

“Yeah,” Skippy giggled, “We absolutely violated them with the ‘peace treaty’ though. They were still paying us a crushing tribute based on their Planetary Domestic Product every year when they joined the Federation. The fucking Feds said that it was a ‘grossly unfair and predatory’ arrangement and promised them protection. We think that’s why they joined so readily. Just like the Feds,” Skippy chuckled, “always ruining a good time.”

“Explains why you guys don’t like them.”

“Eh, not really,” Skippy shrugged, “The tribute was so bad that a lot of us wanted to stop it but couldn’t because of the principle of the matter and because we didn’t want them to be able to rebuild and seek revenge. It gave us a good excuse to stop literally starving them. By then we had a massive military machine and a trade empire thanks in part to bleeding them gray for over a century and by then their economy was so fucked that the occupation was starting to be just a tedious and depressing hassle. We were glad to be rid of them but I digress,” Skippy said smiling as Jon stroked her ear. “I was talking about the bow.”

“Yeah, I almost forgot,” Jon said smiling as Skippy nuzzled his neck.

“When the original invasion happened we didn’t have a huge military. We had a vicious system wide war about eighty years before they showed and had demilitarized a lot as a result. We had some military because there was always some asshole that needed killing but nothing close to what we needed. We are, however, a bow culture much like you are a gun one. Archery was a popular sport and a lot people had hunting, fishing, or target bows. We discovered much like you did that slow and heavy was the way to go when dealing with deflector screens and it didn’t take long to make a nice piercing projectile sharp and heavy to punch through their armor. Inside a ship or station range wasn’t an issue and in the open field we can emerge from cover, close the gap in a few leaps, fire off a flurry of arrows, and then either leap away or rush in to finish the job with claw or blade. Actually we used hammers but you get the idea.”

“Hammers?”

“Their armor was cut resistant but hammers worked just fine. The hammers became ancient maces pretty quickly and the arrows rapidly improved. We started out trying to make small arms but that soon gave way to just injection molding recurve bows by the billions. Our entire populace was rapidly armed and the arrows kept getting better with each production run being obsolete almost before it rolled off a line. The rest of our production capacity switched to heavy weapons and vehicles. Just like the Juon the Silerurex learned about the effectiveness of guided missiles and other primitive weapons the hard way. Interplanetary jumps are great but huge reactor pumped lasers (we used them to push around asteroids and vaporize debris) have great range and heavy fighters that can pull over twenty G's (we did have inertial stabilizers after all) might not be able to ‘jump’ but can cover a system pretty well if you have enough of them.”

“Sounds familiar,” Jon chuckled.

“Yep. We took a lot of damage and lost a lot of people but we had them on the ropes. Then they screwed up and it was the end of them.”

“What happened?”

“Sunrise,” Skippy grinned. “They sent a final demand to surrender or ‘we would be wiped from creation’. We responded by broadcasting the execution of most of our prisoners. Then, they finally did what we wanted them to do,” she giggled, “They sent that world ending fleet.”

“What happened?”

“Do you honestly think you guys were the only one to make fusion bombs?” Skippy chuckled darkly. “We didn’t have any of those things around, just like you guys. It took us a little bit to remember how to do it but we had been building them around the clock. Our generals realized that we were holding the line so the decision was made to not deploy them until either we had a chance to do a massive amount of damage or we had reverse engineered FTL. Their massive fleet was exactly what we wanted. The day after the fleet showed up ‘operation sunrise’ was launched. Bye-bye fleet.” Skippy giggled. “And that was the last we saw of them until we went out looking for them three years later. Anyway,” Skippy smiled, “by then the bow was our symbol much like the gun is yours and just like your gun the bow is still very effective when it receives the right upgrades… and your warriors are skilled enough that the reduced ammo capacity isn’t as much of an issue.”

“And I take it that Xvli archers are?”

“Let’s put it this way,” Skippy giggled, “You know that ancient classic of yours, ‘Lord of the Rings’?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s actually pretty popular,” Skippy chuckled, “I loved it but the reason I read it was the reason a lot of people did.”

“And what was that?”

“A Xvli scholar studying you Terrans read it and was very amused by how much hype Legolas got,” Skippy giggled. “Let’s just say we weren’t impressed.”

“I call bullshit!” Jon laughed.

“A challenge?” Skippy giggled. “Put your money where your mouth is and I’ll prove it.”

“You’re on!”

The next day Jon accompanied Skippy to a nondescript run down looking building near the starport.

It was a Xvli archery range.

About fifteen minutes later Skippy bounced out of one of the chambers and shouldered her bow with a giggle. Jon, laughing and shaking his head, pulled out a credit transactor…

As they walked towards the noodle shop Jon turned to Skippy.

“So,” he chuckled. “You guys still have nukes?”

“What is that cute little phrase you like to use?” Skippy giggled. “I can neither confirm nor deny?”

“Fair enough,” Jon chuckled. “Fair enough.”

***

[email protected]@ was sitting in a Xvli fine dining restaurant with KaRe’~VxK%Lora, an elegantly dressed Xvli with intricate tattoos on the inside of her ears set with multiple jeweled studs.

“Ugh, It’s Councilor Pellet,” she muttered as Skippy walked in.

“Careful, dear,” [email protected]@ chuckled, “Your disapproval is getting into my soup. You should be at least a little respectful. She is a councilor after all.”

“She makes us all look like a joke,” KaRe’~VxK%Lora hissed.

“No, she makes the council look like a joke,” [email protected]@ chuckled. “Not that it’s a difficult task.”

Skippy looked over at the pair and waved.

“Oh Gods,” KaRe’~VxK%Lora muttered, “The pellet eating clown is heading this way.”

“We all eat our pellets you know.”

“Not on the Council floor! Not just reaching down into a fresh pile and biting into one like a melon!”

[email protected]@ just laughed.

“She only does that when she’s bored, which is a lot of the time, unfortunately.”

“It’s disgraceful!”

“And our people love it! That’s why she keeps getting re-elected.”

“And I vote against her every single time, for all the good it does.”

“She has my vote.”

“Why?” KaRe’~VxK%Lora hissed. “She makes us all look like savages!”

“And she has done a fantastic job of representing our interests. She may act like a clown but she’s one shrewd hopper, always has been. More than one individual has fallen for the act and wound up with pellets sticking in their fur.”

“She got us thrown off of the security council after that disgraceful, disrespectful scene.”

“You mean the one where she pointed and laughed during the Republic War?” [email protected]@ chortled. “Yeah, that was crossing the line a little bit but you have one detail wrong. We weren’t thrown off of the council. Councilor [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi resigned. They desperately tried to keep us on it but she told them to ‘eat my warm steamy pellets’. The whole ‘we kicked her off’ line was just them trying to save face.”

“What? Why would she do that?”

“Because she said that after the attack it wasn’t a security council, it was an imperial council and the Xvli people would have no part of it.” [email protected]@ chuckled.

“More proof that she is completely unsuitable. We lost a measurable degree of power and influence. She will never have my respect.”

“Oh?” [email protected]@ smiled. “I will tell you something in strictest confidence. It’s not classified but it’s something that Senior Strike Sergeant [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi doesn’t want out there.”

“Senior Strike Sergeant?”

“Yes, Senior Strike Sergeant [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi is one of the few people with a sapphire torc in her underwear drawer.”

“What?!?! She was a cobalt archer? For over fifty years?”

“Darling, she wasn’t just an archer. She was the archer. She made the rest of us look like Feds. She would shred entire archer companies on maneuvers and she did it for fifty-seven years.”

“I had no idea. Why would she keep it a secret? If I had a torc I would sleep with it on!”

“She’s afraid that people would start taking her seriously. Remember her campaign platform, ‘I’m the least qualified for the job.’ She also really hates all the fuss people make over the archers. She says that it attracts way too many ‘heroes’ who just want the prestige.”

“Why would that be an issue? Wouldn’t you want heroes?”

“Hero wannabes can get themselves and the people around them killed,” [email protected]@ replied. “You want a hopper that will keep their ears flat, not some glory hound. Oh she loved feeding them grass, sometimes literally.”

Skippy bounced over to their table.

“Councilor [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi it’s an honor to see you again,” KaRe’~VxK%Lora said as she rose to greet her.

Skippy narrowed her eyes at her.

“Goddammit, Xree,” she grumbled, “You just had to tell your girlfriend, didn’t you?”

“I found her constant bad mouthing of you tiresome.” [email protected]@ chuckled.

“Don’t worry, sapphire bearer, I will respect your wishes and keep it secret.”

“Well then sit down and stop with the sapphire bearer crap. ‘Councilor Pellet’ works just fine for me.”

“We would be honored if you would join us, Councilor,” KaRe’~VxK%Lora said as she sat.

“Nah, don’t want to intrude on you two lovebirds,” Skippy smiled. “I’m just grabbing a bowl of snails with some glitter-ears real quick. Gods I hate actually having to do my job. I just saw my old buddy Zree and wanted to say hi… and to invite him over to my office so I could pick his brain a little.”

“I will drop by but if it’s about what I think it’s about I can’t say anything,” [email protected]@ replied.

“If you don’t give up the goods I’ll tell little miss glitter-ears over here about your first training mission.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“What happened on your first training mission?” KaRe’~VxK%Lora asked.

“It involved a young hot testicled young buck saying something about how an old woman couldn’t be a serious threat.” [email protected]@ laughed. “I will skip the details but it didn’t go especially well for me.”

KaRe’~VxK%Lora giggled.

“Well he got his back… eventually…” Skippy giggled. “How many times did you try anyway?”

“I lost track. It’s all a muddy blood tinged blur,” [email protected]@ chortled, “It took years but yes, I did eventually get mine.”

“Yeah, a dirty underhanded slimy move it was too, completely without honor or the barest shred of decency,” Skippy giggled. “I was so proud! Well, looks like the glitter-ears are here. I have to go and chew their pellets for them. Later.”

“I’ll drop by tomorrow,” [email protected]@ said as she turned to leave.

“It was a pleasure seeing you again, councilor,” KaRe’~VxK%Lora said in a respectful voice.

Skippy just winced and gave [email protected]@ a dirty look. “I can’t believe you told her,” she said batting his ear as she walked away.

***

The next morning Skippy hopped into the Xvli Embassy and after pausing to shoot the shit with the guards loped into the lobby and grimaced.

The ambassador was moving in on an intercept course. He was looking like a pellet was stuck on the way out. Not a good sign.

“Good morning, ambassador,” she said with a smile.

The ambassador shoved a tablet in her face. On it was a picture of her and Jon sitting at the noodle shop laughing and pushing on each other.

The title read, “Unholy alliance or is it just mating season?”

Skippy started giggling. “What tabloid is that?”

“The Federation Herald, that’s what tabloid!” the ambassador squeaked. “This isn’t funny, Councilor. The Qu~eIliriun Observer wants a statement!”

“Well tell them that he’s hung like a Vor%II,” she giggled.

“You can’t say things like that!” the ambassador squealed. “Someone’s going to take you seriously!”

“Well how’s this then,” Skippy said with a giggle, “I like the way he grabs the back of my neck when he throws me down and-”

“Please take this seriously [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi!”

“(sigh) Fine. The Terrans are one of the few races that are actually worth a fuck and there are a lot of very interesting trade opportunities like popcorn. Their metabolism is a lot like ours and they are an agricultural powerhouse with an amazing array of products that they can easily produce at a surplus. Popcorn, barley, wheat… marijuana...”

“Marijuana?”

“You have to try that stuff! Most of it will grow on Xvg%kth. We could very well get some brand new crops from them.”

“But do you have to be so friendly with them?”

“Hey, Jon’s one of the few people here I can stand. I can have lunch with whoever the fuck I want to.”

“But… The Terrans? Do you remember what they did?”

“If you wound a Glo~Vkii you get what you deserve and they didn’t come after us.”

“Because we were lucky.”

“No, because they were smart. Why go after our system when they had so many soft little Fed puppets to hit?”

“Still, [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi, this just looks bad! I know you have this whole contrarian act, but please!”

“Ok, here’s a statement for you. Councilor [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi is friends with Jon Wintersmith and considers him and the Terrans worthy of our friendship. She does not give a flying fuck what the Federation thinks and considers the horrible acts by the Republic to be a direct result of reckless decisions by the Federation Security Council and the blind greed of several corrupt players namely the Federation humans. If the Xvli were put in the same position as the Republic we would have done much the same as they did if not worse. The Federation and the Federation alone is to blame for the hundreds of millions who died. The fact that as soon as we gave them the option of peace they took it is proof of this. They never wanted that war. We did. Councilor [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi’s first priority, her only priority, is as always the Xvli people and the Xvli people alone, and she will be damned if lets some limp clawed Fed overcooked noodles tell her who she can and can not have a drink with after a long day of dealing with their shit,” Skippy grinned. “How’s that? I’ll give them a call right now.”

The ambassador just squeaked miserably and hopped off.

Skippy just grinned. That was the great thing about doing the unthinkable. Nobody suspects you of it.

She loped to her office and initiated a hyperspace link to her favorite reporter back home. This was going to be fun and spun correctly a great way to restart a conversation about the Federation’s role in the Republic War.

She smiled at her good fortune. She gets some good press, receives an opportunity to coat the Federation in shit, and then has an amazing brain melting ‘lunch’ with her guy...

Today was going to be a good day.

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