Tales From the Terran Republic

Vulzzzzrup lounged at his club and took a long puff from a hookah like device he was sharing with some of his friends as they laughed and swapped stories. As he was reaching for a fried beetle his communicator beeped.

Tossing the beetle into his wide mouth he looked at it.

>Invitation to hyperchat from Minnow1240

“What the shit?” he muttered.

“You look like you just saw a wrathful spirit.” one of his friends chuckled as they blew out a cloud of pale blue smoke.

“Yeah… I gotta deal with this. Keep my spot clear.” Vulzzzzrup said as he lumbered his way out of the club. Once outside he grabbed his communicator.

>>Who is this? How did you get this channel?

>>Who do you think?

>>I do not favor the taste of excrement so stop feeding it to me. Minnow1240 is dead.

>>Stop with the nonsense.

>>All you need to know is that I somehow know their handle, password, and how to reach you. I also know a lot of other things…

>>So what do you want?

>>Just information. The Federation lost their eyes in the Republic. Your agents are alive and well. I need fresh intel and I thought who better to ask than my favorite toad.

>>And why would you think I would have anything like that? I’m just a textile merchant.

>>I don’t have much time so why don’t we drop the act. I know you are a senior member of the Cabal. I also know a lot of other very very interesting things about you. So why don’t you just save both of us a lot of time and answer my fucking questions, old friend.

Vulzzzzrup groaned and turned his eyes skyward.

>>Fine. What do you want to know? How is the icy grip of the inner hells, by the way?

>>You have no idea.

***

Jaxona woke with a strangled yelp. Oh by the black abyss, she thought trying to shake the images from her head. Nope, she wouldn’t be going back to sleep tonight.

Dim lights glowed at her command as she fetched around the pool that was her apartment trying to shake herself fully awake. Her eyes fell upon a sealed bottle sitting in a polished stone niche.

Nope! She thought. It wasn’t that bad… yet. Besides, she had to be on point! She had a presentation to make at the morning briefing!

She wiggled over to the bot’s docking bay and squirmed inside. She queried the time. Crap. It was a long time until morning.

She walked out of her apartment and locked the door. She walked down the hallway and out into the night and headed towards a twenty four hour diner popular with students. A few stimulant balls and some studying (she had a lot to read up on) was just what the doctor ordered. An all-nighter was a welcome taste of normalcy.

***

Jaxona managed to both pace her bot back and forth as well as twirl inside her globe as she made her presentation.

“… The wars over control of the power and wealth that the Red Jelly promised nearly consumed our civilization. Even once the secret became known to all the problems didn’t stop. Remember, we developed anti-aging technology while we were still planetbound. Strict population controls that quickly became racial eugenics were put in place causing more dissent and conflict and then finally there were issues with the extreme long life itself. Our brains weren’t designed to live forever just like the brains of most sapient races. Eventually madness and depravity slowly took over entire generations starting with the oldest and most powerful. This resulted in some of the darkest days of our entire history. Eventually the Red Jelly became to be perceived more of a curse than a blessing and, after yet another war, the technology was utterly destroyed, wiped from history. That’s why we are taking this situation so seriously. Our history shows the incredibly destabilizing effects that this sort of thing can have for centuries after its initial appearance.

In this first phase we are beginning to see history repeat itself. Those initially in possession of this technology are, just as before, using it to rapidly increase their political power and influence with total control of their government as the expected end result. Because of who in particular wields their version of the Red Jelly this is even more troubling to the Forum.

We cannot suppress this technology in the Republic without subduing the Republic itself, something that we feel is simply not possible. They will have to deal with this on their own. The only thing we can hope to do is halt the expansion of this technology into the Federation, thwart the designs of Patricia Hu regarding us and, if possible, remove her from the equation entirely which would be ideal for both the Federation and the Republic. You have the complete support of the Kalent Forum on this matter and we will back any measure short of a war with the Republic which we can all agree would be the worst possible outcome.”

She was nearly beside herself! She was actually doing some briefing during the morning briefing! She had even been given permission to give the task force a small bit of Kalent history. This was amazing!

“Thank you, Jaxona,” Senior Agent [email protected]@ said. “We appreciate this insight into your history and culture and the insight it gives us concerning the threat that we now face.”

Jaxona beamed as she did her trademark happy swirl inside her globe.

“And that will be all, gentlebeings,” [email protected]@ said. “Good hunting and as always be careful.”

Everyone stood up and started filing towards the door. As Jaxona was cleaning up the conference room and collecting tablets (They had started using dedicated briefing tablets at her suggestion! [email protected]@ even complimented her on the idea!) she called out to [email protected]@ as he was leaving.

“Excuse me, Senior Agent [email protected]@?” she asked.

[email protected]@ just stopped and closed his eyes. What now? He couldn’t drop a pellet without that guppy asking him about it. He just took a deep breath and didn’t say any one of the half dozen things that immediately lept to mind. The Kalent was a good kid and completely out of her depth. He smiled a little. She kind of reminded him of himself when he first started. So eager… So clueless…

“(Sigh) Yes, Jaxona?” he said as he turned around.

“Um… I was wondering,” Jaxona said as she picked up the last tablet and stowed it away in her bot, “During the briefing from the medical team I had a thought...”

Here it comes... [email protected]@ thought to himself. One of her “ideas” incoming…

“And that was?” [email protected]@ asked.

“Ok!” Jaxona exclaimed. “Now this might sound a little bit crazy but have we… have we considered trying to get the Terrans involved? Aren’t they like biology wizards or something?”

[email protected]@ snorted.

“Thanks. I needed a good laugh,” [email protected]@ chuckled. “Getting the Terrans involved? Good one! If we are considering bringing in outside help what about the eels?”

“Oh we are already involved!” Jaxona replied, “They haven’t said anything because they don’t have squat. They, um I mean we, are just as confused as you guys are. They haven’t said anything because ‘it is inefficient to communicate nothing’. Personally I think it’s because they… we hate admitting when we are stumped.”

“Heh, the almighty Kalent getting stumped by a Terran?” [email protected]@ chuckled.

“Yeah,” Jaxona giggled, “Oh it is chafing their anuses big time, just like th-” She suddenly fell silent.

[email protected]@ raised an eyebrow but said noting. Our little coffee-bot almost let something slip. Interesting. He made a note to engage her in idle conversation more often. Maybe something good would pop out by accident.

“As far as the Terrans go you aren’t alone in considering it, or weren’t alone in any event,” the Xvli said as he poured another cup of coffee from the insulated pitcher on the conference table. He sipped it with a smile. Jaxona made an excellent pot of coffee. “Our late director herself tried to talk to the ambassador,” [email protected]@ said. “She was certain that the ambassador was part of a faction that would oppose Patricia Hu. She got absolutely nowhere. Trying to get the Terrans, any Terran, to cooperate is a complete waste of time.”

“Yes but how did she approach?” Jaxona replied excitedly. “Did she just saunter in there all arrogant like and announce that she was there to save the day or did she offer them something?”

“You watch your fucking mouth!” [email protected]@ growled. He then paused. “Heh...” he chuckled shaking his head recalling that infuriating little smug expression she would sometimes have. “Arrogant? Oh she was never that...” He smiled fondly and sipped his coffee.

After a few moments he turned to Jaxona who was just standing there quietly twisting her robotic manipulators.

“Ok, spymaster,” he chuckled. “Exactly what could we offer him that would tempt him enough for the Jon Wintersmith, Lord of the Assholes, to cooperate. We have nothing.”

“We have four things!” Jaxona exclaimed jumping up and down with excitement. “Four of them, on slabs, in our lab… Corpses, real biological samples, not scans!” She spun around in her globe. “We think that he is part of a faction that is against Patricia but has that faction managed to get their hands on one of her special people yet? A scan sure but actual samples? Jon is a reasonable person deep down, he has to be. I’m certain he would listen to something that offered a real advantage.”

“Reasonable?” the Xvli chortled, “Ok, spymaster make it happen.”

“W-what?”

“You heard me,” [email protected]@ laughed, “It’s your idea so go and have a meeting with the reasonable Jon Wintersmith.”

“Really?!? Me?” Jaxona asked excitedly.

“Yep. You’re part of this task-force aren’t you? Why not?”

“Ok!” she enthused. “I’ll do it!” This was amazing! She never imagined that she would ever ever actually get to do “spy stuff”!

“What are you waiting for?” [email protected]@ smiled. “Get to it!”

“Got it, boss!” Jaxona said as she spun around in her globe. She then sprinted off at a breakneck pace.

“That was just wrong.” Kalph-Rasa laughed as she walked in holding a cup of tea in a taloned grip. “I thought you liked her.”

“I do,” the Xvli chuckled. “But if she wants to participate, let her participate,” he giggled. “I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she returns from her meeting with the reasonable Jon Wintersmith.”

***

Jaxona, all eyes and wiggles, walked into the Terran Embassy. She could barely contain herself! She was in The Terran Embassy! Technically, she just walked into the flipping Republic!!!

She looked over at a desk and consulted her map. Yep! That should be the secretary for the ambassador himself!

Toby looked up and did a double take. No. It wasn’t her but for a just a second there… just wistful thinking... He watched her nervously approach.

“Um… Hi!” Jaxona said excitedly.

“Hello?” Toby said passing his built in scanner over the bot. It was just a basic model. “How can I help you.”

“My name is Jaxona and I was wondering if I could talk to the ambassador, please.”

“The ambassador is a busy man. Unfortunately he doesn’t have time to speak with anyone who wanders in.”

“Oh! I’m here on official business and stuff!” Jaxona said reaching into her bot and handing him a tablet. “I’m attached to the Department of Federation Intelligence and want to talk to him about… um… something...”

“I see,” Toby said looking at her credentials dubiously Kalent Forum Liaison? That was a new one. He read the tablet curiously. She was indeed attached to Federation Intelligence. This should prove interesting.

He glanced down the hall. A “young woman” had stopped reading one of the trashy romance novels that were always on her tablet and was looking over at the Kalent with alarm. Deep within Toby something started to rumble. Rising forth out of the darkest corners of his subconscious a delicious idea started to build and tearing up through his very soul on a wave of hilarity it surged, completely unstoppable.

“I am sure he will be happy to see you,” Toby said his eyestalks quivvering. “But first may I offer you some refreshment?” he asked as he reached into his desk and pulled out a Powerbar Extreme that he hadn’t gotten around to throwing out.

Jaxona’s eyes locked onto the bar.

“What’s that?” she asked curiously. She really wanted it.

“It’s a Terran ‘power bar’. They are a concentrated food product often used in conjunction with protracted exercise or as a meal replacement. This one just happens to be a civilian version of a component of our military rations. The former director of Federation Intelligence loved them. She is the only Kalent with whom I was familiar but if she found them toothsome perhaps you will as well.” he said as he expertly cut it into cubes.

“Ooo! I’ve never had one of these before!” Jaxona said eagerly as Toby unwrapped the napkin around a silver fork in his desk and skewered a cube. Jaxona excitedly opened her globe and reached up to accept the morsel.

“Oh creators!” she exclaimed as she munched happily. “This is amazing! What are these called?”

“Powerbar Extreme,” Toby said as he took a sidelong glance at Patricia’s lookout. They were standing with a completely shocked look on their face. Toby, desperately trying to keep his eyestalks straight, handed Jaxona a second cube which she happily accepted.

“What is that amazing flavor?” Jaxona asked as she spun around in her globe, throwing out a little water.

“You are probably tasting peanut butter, a staple that the Terrans have a love/hate relationship with. The combination of fat, protein, and carbs make for quite a potent fuel. We Kalesh love the stuff.

Jaxona could feel her whole body starting to fire up. This was ambrosia, the food of the Gods!

“Foodbars! Amazing!” she said as she grabbed the next cube.

Patricia’s lookout was now heading for the back at a trot. Toby grinned as he handed her the last of the bar.

“The late director loved these but did not wish to be seen purchasing a Republic product, for obvious reasons, so I kept a stash for her here.” Toby said with a wistful sigh.

“(munch) But aren’t you enemies? (munch munch)”

“Yes,” Toby smiled, “but she was a good adversary and keeping a box of these things was little effort or expense. She would often fabricate reasons to come here just for one of these and then just pop into the ambassador’s office to swap insults. She was alright in my book,” Toby said and then his eyestalks drooped a little. “She will be missed… Anyway,” Toby said shaking himself slightly, “I just so happen to have two whole boxes of those bars. You are welcome to them,” he said as he walked over to a cabinet.

Jaxona spun happily in her globe as he returned with two boxes of Powerbar Extremes.

“Wow! Thanks!” she enthused.

“And you may feel less constrained when it comes to buying from your foe. You can get these at Republic Goods.”

“Really?!?”

“Yes,” Toby replied. “They aren’t expensive and usually in stock.”

“Wow! Thanks!”

“I shall now announce you,” Toby said pleasantly, “You seem a nice enough eel so I will tell you something. The ambassador leaves for lunch at precisely 12:00 Terran Local Time. He has become very… particular… concerning his lunches of late. I strongly recommend not delaying him,” Toby said with a little smile.

“Thanks for the tip!” Jaxona said and then set a timer.

***

Jon was lounging in his chair with a cup of coffee. He retrieved two of his grandma’s special brownies, wrapped them in a napkin, and slipped them in his pocket for ‘lunch’. He looked up as a Kalent who was practically bouncing up in down in her globe entered.

“Jon Wintersmith,” he said tersely. “And you are?”

“Jaxona!” she exclaimed walking up and offering one of her “hands”. “Kalent Forum Liaison, currently attached to Federation Intelligence.”

“Kalent Forum?” Jon asked with a raised eyebrow. “To what do I owe the honor of such a visit?” he asked with a touch of sarcasm.

“Oh I’m not here on official Forum business! I’m here on secret stuff!”

“Secret stuff?”

“Yes! Secret stuff! I’m attached to Federation Intelligence and I work with some people who are concerned with the Deputy Ambassador and-”

“I’m going to stop you right there, guppy,” Jon said waving his hand dismissively. “I’ve already told you fuckers that is an internal matter, if it is a matter at all, and the last thing I want or need is you fuck-ups meddling in Republic affairs. Maybe Axlea didn’t get around to telling you before she was blown to shit that I told you assholes to fuck off so let me repeat myself. Fuck. Off.”

Jaxona just grinned.

“Yes, but did the late director just waltz in here offering to save you from the big scary Deputy Ambassador or did she actually have something that you wanted, which I do,” she said in a cheerful, very excited tone.

Jon’s eyes narrowed as he leaned back in his chair.

“And just what might that be?”

“Ok!” Jaxona exclaimed. “You know that she has the Red Jelly.”

“Red what?”

“Oh, sorry. I mean anti-aging tech. I mean you have to, right?”

Jon didn’t reply. What was this fish playing at?

“Well anyway, in case you didn’t know, some of her guys went missing. I might be able to get my hands on one of them… or pieces of one of them… whatever you want!”

“You dare imply that I would be willing to make some sort of back door deal for the body of a Republic citizen?” Jon snarled angrily.

“Yes! Exactly!” Jaxona replied cheerfully. “Look, we have scanned and poked and prodded the heck out of them and we can’t figure anything out. You Terrans, well you guys are bio-science badasses and I figured that you might have better luck with it… If you are interested of course.”

Jon was interested. Jon was really fucking interested.

“Since you are skipping the bullshit, which I deeply appreciate, I will do the same,” Jon said taking a sip of his coffee. “What will it cost us?”

“Just a copy of your findings, that’s it.” Jaxona replied cheerfully. “We want to know what Patricia Hu has and so do you. We give you the samples and you give us the report. Straight up simple one time deal.”

“And how do you know we won’t just take the samples and tell you to fuck off?”

“I really hope you don’t because it will make me look like a first class doofus,” Jaxona replied with a grin. “Also the more we know the more we can do to mess up their plans in the Federation. That can only help you. Right?” Jaxona asked with a happy little bobbing motion.

Jon tapped his desk as he thought. The fish was right. They needed those samples. They had managed to kill a few active operatives but it was ambush shootings with no way to grab a corpse. Since they were operating in secret they didn’t dare try to officially seize one and the bodies always disappeared before they could sneak in to where they were being held. The fish had another point as well. Federation Intel successfully operating against her in the Federation couldn’t hurt.

“One time deal,” Jon said after a few moments. “We get the body and you get a report.”

“One time deal,” Jaxona smiled. “And maybe if this works out we could-?”

“Don’t push it guppy,” Jon smiled. “For now just this deal. Body for report.”

“Cool!” Jaxona grinned. “Yes! Woo!” she spun around in her globe happily.

“You are a little weird for a spy, you know that?”

“Oh I’m not a spy! I’m just the liaison.”

“Yeah, right.”

***

Patricia looked at the kneeling figures before her.

“What is the status of the porkies?”

“Things are proceeding according to plan,” Crimson replied, “We will soon reach critical mass.”

“Excellent,” Patricia replied, her eyes glittering with delight. “How many more before we can begin?”

“According to our science team, we would like to get at least ten more on each planet but with the interest that is being generated we will likely be able to easily exceed that soon. Everybody in the know wants our ‘treatment’.”

“Fantastic,” Patricia laughed. “Finally we are back on track. And what of Federation Intelligence?”

“We have encountered no resistance and haven't spotted any tails but we can only assume they are out there. I doubt we completely killed their interest when we killed their director.”

“Probably watching and waiting,” Patricia chuckled, “Only use the same operatives that we are currently utilizing. No sense having more of our people identified.”

The door to Patricia’s office flew open as the lookout burst in.

Patricia looked at her and raised her eyebrow.

“My Lady,” the lookout gasped as they fell to their knees. “A Kalent just entered the embassy, got a food bar from Toby, and then entered the ambassador’s office with no delay.”

“What?!?”

***

Patricia strode through the embassy. The Hatchet never missed! She had even left them a sample of that guppy’s body! If that assassin screwed her…

Toby looked up and took a sip of tea as Patricia walked into the lobby.

“Don’t worry, Deputy Ambassador,” Toby said with a pleasant smile. “You killed her. It’s a different one.”

Patricia successfully kept her expression even. That fucking beetroot!

“If you doubt me,” Toby smiled, “Just walk in there, you know, like you did the other day?”

Patricia’s face started to turn red. He was laughing at her!

She took a moment to compose herself. The time would soon come where she could properly address this beetroot but for now, patience was called for.

“Hmm,” Patricia smiled, her face still flushed, “Enjoy pulling the dragon’s tail, don’t you?” she asked her eyes blazing with rage.

“Oh I would never do that,” Toby replied politely. “however, I have no problem plucking an old bird.”

“Enjoy the feather while you can, beetroot,” Patricia smiled her face returning to its normal hue.

The door opened to Jon’s office.

“Bye!” Jaxona exclaimed as she backed up and waved. “Bye!”

“Good-bye,” Jon’s voice chuckled from inside his office.

Jaxona scuttled over to Toby’s desk.

“Bye! Thanks for the food bar!” she exclaimed and then turned to Patricia with big eyes. “Oh my gosh I love your dress! It’s so pretty!”

“Why thank you,” Patricia replied with a beautiful smile as she examined Jaxona carefully.

“I’m so jealous of you terrestrials!” Jaxona said happily, “You get to wear the prettiest clothes! Well, I gotta run! Bye!”

Jaxona quickly scurried, her feet slipping on the tiles, out of the embassy.

Patricia just watched her go with a somewhat confused expression on her face. She then gave Toby a cold glance and walked away.

She was going to enjoy killing that beetroot.

“Gunny, you are now the first one on the grill, you know,” a silver haired female “security guard” chuckled once Patricia left.

“Totally worth it,” Toby replied, his eyestalks whipping back and forth.

***

[email protected]@ just stood there in shock as he stared at Jaxona.

“So,” he said in disbelief, “You got Jon to play ball.”

“Yep!” Jaxona said happily. “He was really nice!”

“The ambassador… nice?”

“He was! And I got snacks! Look!” Jaxona exclaimed as she pulled out the boxes of Powerbar Extremes. “Want one? They are really good!”

“So, you went to the Terran Embassy, got a meeting with Jon Wintersmith, he was nice, agreed to your deal, and you got treats?” [email protected]@ asked as he numbly accepted a Powerbar Extreme.

“Uh huh!” Jaxona said happily. “He said he has to make a few calls and since I didn’t have like some secret communications thingy for me to come back tomorrow to set up the meet!”

“And he was nice?”

“Yes! Super nice!”

“And you’re sure it was the ambassador?” [email protected]@ asked as he held up a picture of Jon Wintersmith. “It was this guy?”

“Yes!”

[email protected]@ just shook his head. “Ok, go back tomorrow and set up the meet then. We can do wherever and whenever they want so make it happen.”

“Sure!” Jaxona said happily. “Well I need to get the tablets loaded for the afternoon briefing. See ya!”

Jaxona scampered off.

Kalph-Rasa looked over at [email protected]@ with her feathered crest sticking straight up.

“What just happened?” she asked in shock.

“Our coffee-bot just succeed where even the late director failed that’s what happened,” [email protected]@ muttered watching Jaxona almost trip over the same desk she she almost tripped over this morning.

“Beginners luck?” Kalph-Rasa asked.

“Hmm...” [email protected]@ muttered as he scanned the powerbar and took a bite.

“Kalph, take a break from your current investigation and do some digging on our little coffee fetching grad student.”

“You got it boss.“

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