Tales From the Terran Republic

Jessie, clad in loose coveralls, boots, a tube top, and her beloved straw hat, bounced into the galley of The Paper Tiger, where everyone else on board was already gathered.

"Hey, y'all!" she exclaimed happily.

"Did you have all those stupid clothes weighing down my ship the entire time?" Sheila demanded.

"Only the hat," Jessie bubbled happily, "I whipped up the rest once I heard that we were fixin' to go back to MAGA. I just tossed a couple of pairs of blue jeans and an old jacket I had lying around into Gloria's clothing recycler, and then Bunny and I used the robo-sew."

"We have those?!?" Sheloran asked, completely stunned.

"Yeah?" Jessie replied, a bit confused. "Most ships do. How do you think we repair our gear?"

"Why didn't anyone pooping tell me?!?"

"We just thought you knew." Gloria shrugged. "You want to take a look at it after the briefing?"

"Yes!!!" Sheloran exclaimed. "You think I like walking around like this?!?" she demanded as she pulled at the loose ratty t-shirt she was wearing, causing Eno to quickly look away.

"How am I supposed to know what you fucking like?" Gloria shrugged. "You just asked if we had some t-shirts or something. If you wanted actual clothes, you should have just asked."

Sheloran let out a loud wet annoyed raspberry.

"I think you look adorable in a t-shirt," Sheila smiled, "It suits you."

There was another raspberry, much to the crew's delight.

"Is there anything else you've been wanting?" Sheila snickered.

"A gun would be nice," Sheloran replied, glaring at the laughing crew.

"Gloria," Sheila replied, "Show her the toy room after we're done."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Greg asked.

"It's not like it's going to make her any more dangerous," Sheila shrugged. "and we are going to MAGA. She needs to be packing something."

"Yeah," Jessie chimed in, "the MAGAs trust people more when they can see their piece."

"I never got that," Jacob said. "Why?"

"Because they think you are carrying concealed if they can't," Jessie explained, "When they see it, they know where it is. When they don't, it could be anywhere. It makes them nervous."

"Makes sense," Jacob shrugged as he opened a beer.

"Hang on," Sheila said as she chugged hers, got another from the fridge, and opened it. "Ok, Jessie, I'm ready. Go ahead and start the briefing."

"Alrite!" Jessie drawled, "Listen up, y'all! We're fixin' t' be in MAGA space an' there's some sheet y'all gotta..."

"Jessie, I swear to fuck," Sheila snarled, "If you don't stop talking like that, I am going to strangle you!"

Jessie huffed and put her hands on her hips.

"Miss Sheila, you're a contrary one ain't—"

Sheila stood up.

"Eeep!" Jessie squealed and backed away.

"Are you familiar with the MAGA terms, 'tanning your hide' or 'snatching you bald'?" Sheila asked dangerously.

Jessie nodded silently.

"Good," Sheila said as she sat back down, "Continue."

"As I was saying," Jessie said, obviously trying desperately to talk 'normal', "We are going to be going into MAGA space."

"We've been to MAGA before, Jessie," The Chief said.

"No," Jessie replied, "You've been to The Great Trump and to Hobby Lobby. We're going way out into the 'bergs, real MAGA country. Bannon Station ain… isn't the Hobby Lobby food court. There's some things you need to know."

"Listen to the little maniac, Chief," Sheila said, "We've only visited MAGA. Jessie lived there. You can tell by the brain damage."

"Thanks!" Jessie said brightly. "Now, the MAGA's are some of the nicest, sweetest, kindest, most generous people you could ever hope to meet..."

Jessie paused.

"Buuuuut..." she continued, "They are just a little… different..."

"That's putting it mildly," Sheila snorted.

"Hey!" Jessie replied, "They are! I mean, they are nice… and, ok, they can be a little weird… but they are wonderful people… as long as you don't… um… set them off."

The holo projectors switched on, and a huge red, white, and blue flag appeared behind Jessie.

"Just remember the three magic words," Jessie said cheerfully.

In huge glowing letters, the words "It doesn't matter!" appeared behind her.

"It. Doesn't. Matter." Jessie said firmly. "It doesn't matter if the universe is thirteen billion years old or seven thousand. It doesn't matter whether or not evolution exists or if some dude in a bathrobe painted the dots on the ladybugs by hand. And, most importantly, it absolutely does NOT matter if some random asshole who has been dead for a thousand years was the second coming of Jesus fucking Christ or if he wasn't. None of this has ANY bearing on the cost of hot wings on Io. None of it matters!!! The only thing that does matter is that they are lovely people as long as you don't try very hard to make them otherwise. We have our reality, and they have theirs. Most of it, the parts that actually matter, are the same. The parts that aren't… well… Who cares? I don't. I have absolutely no problem saying Donald J Trump was the messiah and saved the world from the lizard people or that the big bang is a lie created by 'the deep state' because it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter to me, and it doesn't matter to you!"

The holographic slide changed to the same flag flying and the words, "Just smile and nod," scrolling across the scene.

"Just smile and nod!" Jessie exclaimed cheerfully. "No matter what comes out of their mouths, just do those two simple things. Smile..."

Jessie smiled a bland smile.

"...and nod."

Jessie started nodding.

"It's that easy!" she said while doing both for a few seconds. "As long as it is something that doesn't matter, smile and nod. Once you have that down, then you can do the fun part! Ask questions!"

Jessie grinned.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed, "You won't be-lieve what they will say! It is amazing! Just don't move on to advanced MAGA handling until you have mastered the smile and nod. They don't like it when you bust out laughing in their face… Not a good idea… Contrary to popular belief, most of them won't try to kill you, but things will get very chilly, and those things that do matter will not go well at all after that."

Jessie looked at the group dubiously.

"You know, it's best if you guys just avoid the issue altogether. Just smile and nod," she said. "That will get you out of almost anything. We are trying to get Gloria's ship fixed, load up on some good food, hit up Hobby Lobby, and have some fun. We are NOT trying to change an entire culture, rewrite history to the version that we think that it is, or any of that shit. Just smile, nod, and enjoy some fried chicken, sweet tea, and a mess of pintos and taters. Who cares about some country that doesn't exist anymore and some shit that happened literally a thousand years ago? Just smile, nod, and ask for seconds."

The slide changed again to the same flag flying behind a huge cross.

"Religion," Jessie said, "…. Hoo boy… You are definitely going to run into this one. Remember, smile and nod. We can definitely expect to get 'witnessed to'. It's mostly harmless..."

"Mostly?" Sheila asked dubiously.

"Just smile and nod," Jessie replied emphatically. "Bannon isn't too bad, and the O'Neil cylinder that we are actually headed to is actually pretty cool, but it's a sure bet that you will run into someone bent and determined to 'share the gospel'. Just be nice, accept any literature they give you, and promise to read it later. You are likely the only godless heathen they have ever encountered, and this is the big chance they have been dreaming about all their lives. Don't be ugly and spoil it. This could be a big thing for them. Just try to be as nice as they are and, again… smile and nod."

The gigantic slide changed to an American flag, an eagle, and people talking with the word "Language" across it.

"Language," Jessie said. "MAGA 'officially' speaks "American English' or, more informally, 'Merican'. 'MAGA 'Merican' is not officially part of any standard translation program. Bunny and I have modded some translators that will help out if you need them. Fortunately, most MAGAs speak several languages, and most can speak passable Terran. You should get along ok without a translator, but they might be needed for anything really technical or if we are conducting business. We should expect that most MAGAs we encounter out in the 'bergs will be excited by the opportunity to practice their Terran with real live Terrans. Their accent will be crazy thick, but it should be understandable… mostly."

"What do they speak besides Terran?" Mike asked.

"Arabic, mostly," Jessie replied. "The Caliphate is the only other big group out this far. We've also put Kuiper Arabic in the translators, just in case. I don't expect to run into any of the Caliphate, but if we do, they're pretty cool. Actually, they are easier to deal with than the MAGAs because we are just 'filthy infidels' and can't be expected to have anything close to real manners or culture. Their expectations are… actually pretty accurate, come to think..."

"We aren't dealing with the Caliphate, right?" Sheila said with a little alarm.

"No," Jessie replied, "at least we aren't planning on it. However..."

"However?" Sheila growled.

"They are a major source of repair parts, tech, and other stuff," Jessie said cheerfully, "Don't worry, they have a bad rep, but they are..."

"Let me guess," Sheila said darkly," wonderful people?"

"Well, they are!" Jessie snapped. "Goddammit, Sheila, keep an open mind. The Caliphate is awesome!"

"That's not what I heard," Sheila replied darkly.

"Well, you heard wrong!" Jessie exclaimed. "As long as you respect their laws, which isn't hard, they are as nice as can be. Oh! And the food… Oh my God, the food..."

Jessie sighed happily.

"And they have some of the best hash!"

"I thought all of that was against their religion," Lorna said as the more seasoned crew members snickered.

"And Terrans never remove the interlocks from their ride," Jessie snerked. "I'm definitely stocking up when we hit the Lobby! I wonder if Dawud's is still open… Hookah party!!!"

Jessie happily danced in place.

"But we're getting off track," she said, "Terran has a lot of Old English and Old' Merican words and phrases but watch out. They can have different meanings where we're headed..."

She smiled impishly.

"For example," she said with a mischievous smile, "If someone says, 'I just turned eighteen '..."

The crew burst into laughter.

"Fuck all of you!" Jacob snapped.

"Better than some farm-bait!" Jessie howled. "You were one ship ride away from feeding the chickens!"

More laughter as Jacob bristled.

***

After the briefing, Sheloran wandered over to T'sunk'al while he was filling the electric kettle.

He motioned with the kettle.

"Yes, please," Sheloran replied.

T'sunk'al nodded and added a bit more water.

"These MAGAs sure sound odd," Sheloran said as the water quickly heated.

"Very," T'sunk'al replied as he poured hot water into his and Sheloran's cups. "I can't wait to meet a people that have our crew so unnerved. I've never seen them quite like this before."

"I can't wait to see their churches!" Sheloran exclaimed, "That's one thing I miss. The Republic doesn't have any churches."

"I think they have a few," T'sunk'al replied, "I catch an odd broadcast from them every now and then."

His expression darkened (not that many people would know).

"I am happy to see their absence," he said as he steeped his tea, "Religion was used as a tool of oppression and to justify many wrongs among my people. I would burn every church in Z'uush space if I could."

Sheloran pondered for a moment and then sighed sadly.

"You know what," she said with an odd tone in her voice, "I sorta wish we could do the same."

Gloria and Jessie scampered into the galley with gleeful expressions on their faces.

T'sunk'al looked at the pair dubiously. Either one of them looking like that was a bad sign. Both of them at once promised armageddon.

"Come on!" Gloria exclaimed as she rushed up to Sheloran, vibrating with excitement.

"We're giving you a makeover!" Jessie chirped.

***

"Ooooh..." Sheloran said as she looked at a small storage room absolutely packed with beautiful dresses, gowns, jackets, suits… all sorts of unbelievably wonderful things made from the most amazing fabrics.

"Behold," Gloria said proudly, "My closet. Grab some shit."

Sheloran wandered through the "closet", her hands caressing real fabric for the first time since she fled her homeworld.

"I didn't..." she stammered, "I didn't think your people made textiles like this."

"Oh, we do," Gloria smiled, "You have to pay out the ass for it, but we do."

She pulled out a single designer evening gown made of cream-colored silk.

"This is worth… a couple of grand, easy."

She handed it to Sheloran.

"Oh, I couldn't!" Sheloran exclaimed, almost afraid to touch it.

"It's not like I paid for it," Gloria snerked, "Most of this is loot. You should see what I dragged from The White Star alone."

"Yeah," Jessie giggled, "and they keep saying 'crime doesn't pay'..."

"None of the shit in here matters," Gloria replied, "I keep the ones I really like in my cabin..."

Gloria's eyes lit up.

"Wait!" she exclaimed as she dove into the rows of garments.

Moments later, she came out with a dress made of green silk.

"I grabbed this on The White Star," she said, "But it was too small, even for me. It is nearly perfect for you as it is!"

Sheloran gasped as she held the dress. It was amazing.

"I… I..." she stammered, completely overwhelmed. "I would be afraid to wear it. Do you have anything… simpler..."

"T-shirts!" Jessie exclaimed. "We have piles of them! We have a lot of old dyna-weave straps too! You can unlay the fibers in the recycler and make some awesome ballistic weave out of it! Shit lasts forever, too!"

"If you want to be boring about it," Gloria shrugged. "Hey, let's hook ol' hoppy here up with some nice threads for when she is doing her 'legitimate businessplath' bit, some decent fighting gear, and some everyday shit."

"Awesome!" Jessie bubbled. "She would look so cute in coveralls!"

"I… I couldn't…" Sheloran said as her brain threatened to explode, "I couldn't impose on you like that."

"Are you kidding?" Gloria said as she wrapped an arm around Sheloran, "We never get to do girly stuff like this! Please? It will be fun!"

Her head reeling, she stood there dumbfounded as Gloria and Jessie grabbed a small fortune in stolen finery.

***

Later that day, Sheloran, fatigued and stupefied, was led to another storage area by Gloria. (Jessie was happily adapting and designing Plath clothes… including lingerie she knew would never see the light of day but was really funny.)

"Now for the best part!" Gloria said with anticipation. "Prepare yourself..."

Sheloran took a deep breath, not quite knowing what was coming next.

Gloria unlocked and opened the hatch…

...revealing a large room filled with racks and racks of weapons, more than she had ever seen before!

Weapons of every type and description from Imperial, Republic, and Federation space (as well as some oddball stuff from God knows where) shone in the light.

Everything from blasters and stunners to Terran heavy weapons was everywhere, packed floor to ceiling.

"Ooooooh," Sheloran gasped as her eyes dilated to black, and dim colors started to dance across them.

Gloria grinned with anticipation and delight as she pulled out a small scanner and video recorder...

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