Tales From the Terran Republic

Jessica Morgan smiled.

She loved surprises (ones that weren’t trying to kill her, that is), and the bizarre creature on her screen was certainly a surprise.

She had not planned on talking to a garbage covered giant slug today. She also didn’t plan on a Federation councilor sneaking across her people’s perimeter.

Somebody will have to explain that one later and in very painful detail.

She glanced over to her tablet. Councilor Karashel, no last name. Species: Baleel. Now her intelligence agency wasn’t totally omniscient, but the good councilor had no military or intelligence background. In fact, the Baleel didn’t really have much of either branch.

Yet here she was after she basically “sauntered” (or whatever the hell it is that they do) into one of the most secure areas in the galaxy, even if it didn’t appear that way at first glance. The best scanners money could buy and some of the most highly trained military operators in the galaxy, and she just rolled around in some trash and slid right past all of it.

Interesting. Very interesting indeed.

“So,” Jessica said pleasantly, “tell me about this deal you have in mind.”

“Ok!” Karashel said in a bright and friendly voice. “We Baleel might not look like much, but we have something you want.”

“I assume you have data on our system?”

“I do.”

“Then you know what our main industry is?”

Jessica tapped an icon on her tablet.

Food! Those giant banana slugs were one top twenty agricultural and processed food producers in their entire Federation!

They fed several entire systems!

Jessica stopped smiling and took her time sipping her tea. This was no longer an amusing diversion. This slug could feed the entire movement a thousand times over.

“You’re in a bind, and we’re in a bind,” Karashel said after a few moments. “I think we could help each other out.”

“What makes you think we are in a bind?” Jessica said with a cool predatory smile. They were in a bind, but how the fuck did this councilor know that?

“Because you are,” Karashel said, her eyes glistening in an oddly moist way. “More importantly, you are smart enough to know that you are. You knocked the shit out of the Federation, but you cannot expect to be able to hold the Raylesh and Zaran systems. You may be able to hold the planets, but any attempt to hold space is suicidal. Raylesh and Zaran are going to be blockaded. You are going to make it expensive, very expensive for them, but you aren’t going to sacrifice your entire force in a head-to-head battle with the entire Fed fleet...”

Damn... Jessica thought with a bitter smile.

“That’s why you are making so many threats about your ‘homestead ships’,” Karashel continued. “Your entire uninfected population will be put on ships, right?”

“Go on,” Jessica said evenly.

“Now it is possible to grow food on ships, and if anyone can do it, it’s you guys, but that takes up valuable space, space you could use to house more people. If I were you, I’d be packing those ships full of uninfected people as fast as possible because I’d want to save as many people as I could. I’d worry about the details later, especially since the Federation will be regrouping and coming back any day, and next time it isn’t going to be as easy of a win, will it?”

“And I suppose you are offering to be our savior?” Jessica said as she narrowed her eyes, “and exactly what will that cost us?”

“We are willing to offer our products for an indefinite period at standard Federation commodity prices,” Karashel smiled. “and any processing or packaging will be offered at standard market rates… provided you handle shipping, of course. I have a price list with me!” Karashel said happily, “How do I put a crystal in this thing? Oh, I see!”

Karashel inserted a data crystal.

Jessica spit out her tea when she saw the list. That wasn’t “standard price”…

It was about thirty percent lower!

“These quantities...” Jessica said carefully, “they are immediately available?”

“Yep!” Karashel exclaimed excitedly. “We have that sitting in our warehouses right now!”

“And what is ‘myco protein’? And what exactly do you mean by ‘infinite’?”

“It just so happens that we have a lot of native fungi that, while we love them, aren’t being commercially cultivated, including some rather spectacular giant mushrooms that we have instead of trees. I think you will find the amino acid profiles rather interesting.”

Jessica’s eyes widened.

“And this just grows naturally?”

“Yep!” Karashel exclaimed happily. “Most of your essential amino acids are right there, and the ones that don’t occur naturally can be rather easily produced… from what our food scientists tell me. If we can make them, I know you can, but you won’t have to. We are still working up the exact process, so I don’t have a solid quote for the missing ones, but I assure you that they will be similar to items 345 and 719, provided there are no surprises, of course. We should be able to start full production within a few months. If you have a critical need for any particular amino acid, we can do one-off lab runs immediately.”

“There’s an old human saying,” Jessica smiled, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is...”

Jessica paused and took a sip of tea.

“So what’s the catch?” she asked pleasantly.

“No catch,” Karashel replied. “This is a stand-alone deal.”

“Bullshit.”

“There is an old Baleel saying,” Karashel replied as she stretched the corners of her speaking/breathing orifice into a “smile”, “If you press someone’s face into the mud, you better be prepared to keep it there until they quit wiggling. I might be able to exploit your situation once, for a short while, but in the end, it would not go well for us. I’ve studied human history, Jessica. Can I call you Jessica?”

“Please do.”

“I’ve studied human history, and betting against you guys is probably the best way to lose money in the Galaxy. Betting on you guys, however, is probably one of the best investments we can make. A much less prepared, less equipped, and less well-financed group of humans beat the Empire! That same group of humans, outnumbered and outgunned, wrecked the Collective. Then when we attacked, that same group of humans, exhausted by war and reduced to a shell of their former might, told the Empire to relax, they have this, and then proceeded to absolutely trash us!”

“Praising the Terrans… to a Porkie...” Jessica smirked. “Interesting strategy… Go on.”

“The only and I mean only thing that has ever come close to defeating them was you,” Karashel concluded, “and from what I understand, it was very, very close indeed.”

“Not really,” Jessica sighed. “The minute I saw that first goddamn AK, I knew we were fucked, and when the gas miners drove back our second assault on Zeus, it was over. Everything after that was...”

Jessica sighed again and sipped her tea as she slipped into silence.

“But you survived,” Karashel replied. “You not only survived, but you thrived. The fucking Terrans couldn’t wipe you out, and the Federation thinks they can?”

Karashel issued a moist derisive snort.

“The Federation lost this war the second you performed your first hostile takeover over a century ago,” Karashel continued. “They have been losing to you guys ever since. That’s why they hate you so much, and that’s why they jumped at the chance to press your face into the mud. However, they already can’t keep it there. We Baleel aren’t much, but one of the many things we aren’t is stupid. We don’t want to exploit you. We want to get in on the ground floor of what is going to be a new interstellar power! The food deal isn’t a ‘scam’. It’s an investment. You are an emerging market, one that will survive the Federation and one that will exist long after peace returns, and what’s left of the Federation crawls into a hole to die. We aren’t about to let a few million get in the way of trillions! The food deal is stand-alone and completely independent of any other deals we make tonight.”

“Now we are getting to the good part,” Jessica said with a predatory grin. “Tell me about these ‘other deals’. What do you really want, Karashel.”

“I want you.”

“Will that work?” Jessica laughed, “’cause I’m down.”

Karashel burst into gooey laughter.

“Actually, it can work between our species, though only the progenitors know how… well… the progenitors and a certain Baleela on Terra, that is. By the Ancient Gardeners, that is going to be a weird phone call tomorrow.”

“Pardon?” Jessica laughed.

“Treason is just a hobby,” Karashel laughed, “I still have a job to do, and that job involves a certain Baleela who has gone and gotten herself stranded on the wrong side of the Terran border. Her family lost contact with her when the network collapsed and haven’t been able to neither locate her nor send her money since, and the poor girl wound up having to resort to, get this, prostitution.”

“No way!” Jessica snorted.

“I wish I was kidding,” Karashel replied. “There has been an incident in one of the ‘free port’ areas around a large starport where a Plath who was running a whorehouse got into a gang war with the Harkeen… and totally slaughtered them believe it or not.”

“Plath?” Jessica said in confusion as she idly accessed her tablet.

“They are a pretty big name in horticultural circles,” Karashel replied, “but if you aren’t interested in plants, you probably never heard of them. They are amazing farmers, though. Their plant husbandry is next-level, but they never leave their homeworld, barely trade, and are extremely religious, so they aren’t the ones to open up whorehouses of all things and on Terra of all places! They are also supposed to be extremely peaceful, so her personally turning a room full of Harkeen thugs into pieces of Harkeen thugs is doubly weird.”

“Well, it’s the quiet guys you gotta be careful with,” Jessica said as she idly looked over her tablet and shrugged. The Plath were exactly as described, nothing interesting, just a planet full of pacifistic Luddites… Pretty flowers, though...

“Anyway,” Karashel continued, “our girl showed up in a news segment covering the second attempt the Harkeen made on the whorehouse, which went even worse than the first one. Turns out the prostitute who is now running it (because the Plath is in jail) is something called a… Carbeel? It’s an imper—”

“A Careel?!?”

“Yeah, one of those!”

Jessica started laughing. She didn’t have to look up that species. Nobody who was there for the Terran occupation needed to, the lovable sex-gremlins. She wondered if “Captain Longpecker” was still alive. She decided not to check. At this point in her life, that was usually a bad idea.

“What?” Karashel asked.

“They aren’t a species the Harkeen should mess with,” Jessica replied with a chuckle.

“Yeah, they found that one out the hard way,” Karashel replied. “Anyway, our Baleela showed up in the news and on an unbelievably racy commercial for that same establishment, and her family freaked… and her hometown freaked… and the press freaked… And to be perfectly honest, I’m a little freaked myself, poor thing…”

“And what are you going to do about it?”

“Well, the first thing is I’m gonna do is find her, and then I’m going to send her enough money so she doesn’t have to do… well, whatever it is that she is actually doing,” Karashel replied, “Then I’m going to take a deep breath and ask her exactly what she is doing and how because I have no fucking idea how it’s even possible!”

“I probably really don’t want to know… but when you find out, tell me,” Jessica laughed, “Now back to business… When you say you want me, what exactly do you mean?”

“I need to be you,” Karashel replied. “And I need to be you right now. Since I can’t magically do that, I figure the next best thing is having you on speed dial. I need a mentor.”

“Don’t you already have one of those?” Jessica smirked.

“Caw is great,” Karashel said with a sigh, “Don’t get me wrong. He’s wonderful, and he’s shown me so much… but he’s an Xx. He’s never been hungry, or scared, or had to worry about what was going to happen to his family. He won’t understand what I need to do or why.”

“And what do you need to do?”

“I need to destroy the Federation, and I want your help doing that,” Karashel said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Go on...” Jessica said with a smile as she summoned Terrence for a refill.

Her smile widened as Karashel started to talk. Now, this was someone she could use.

A few minutes later, Karashel paused for breath.

“Very noble,” Jessica replied in just the right tone. “It’s very reassuring to know that we aren’t the only ones to realize the truth. So tell me, how exactly do you plan upon destroying the Federation?”

This should be good, Jessica thought to herself.

“Well!” Karashel exclaimed brightly, “It’s still sort of a work in progress, but this is what I’m thinking about...”

Another few minutes later, Jessica’s eyes widened.

Correction. Do not use the Baleel, especially Karashel. This is someone to watch very carefully and from a safe distance.

Shortly thereafter, Jessica started to giggle malevolently as she continued to listen with increasing interest.

***

“… so that’s what I have in mind,” Karashel said as she finally stopped talking. “I’m still working out some of the long-term details, but it all boils down to the Gvorta and their little hole groomers. If I want to do anything at all, I have to keep the Baleel out of ‘management’… and the haul from fucking their entire world will go a long way to ensuring Baleean security and stability while we explore post-scarcity… and your legitimate cut will more than pay for any and all food purchases from us not counting the significant asymmetric gains you will receive… if you are interested.”

“Oh, I am interested, very interested,” Jessica said with a genuine and genuinely soulless smile. “We’re in. Oh, we are fucking in!!!”

“Oh, good!” Karashel said with a relieved sigh.

“I will get in touch with my people, and they will get in touch with you very soon,” Jessica said as she drained her third cup since the beginning of the call.

“I’m going to need something a bit more solid than ‘very soon’, Jessica,” Karashel replied, “Once I set this in motion, there is no stopping it. I need to have those assets in place.”

“Well, the second I get off this call, I’m going to make a few calls and tell certain people to get in touch with you immediately,” Jessica replied. “If you don’t hear from us tomorrow, come back here and let me know, and those certain people aren’t going to like what happens next. That solid enough for you, Karashel?”

“Works for me!” Karashel said brightly. “This is going to be fun! I can’t fucking wait to see the look on the Gvorta councilor’s face!”

“Take pictures,” Jessica replied with a grin. “Oh, and about that post-scarcity experiment of yours, keep me in the loop. I’m very interested in seeing where that goes. I have a society to rebuild, again,” she added with an exasperated sigh, “And if those feathered commies actually figured out a way to make that bullshit actually work… Well, let’s just say I find the potential intriguing.”

“Will do!” Karashel replied with a little garbage covered salute.

“As far as mentorship goes,” Jessica Morgan said with a smile. “I would be happy to take you under my wing and give you a few pointers, hopefully help you avoid some very expensive and painful mistakes along the way.”

“Awesome!!!”

“The first ‘lesson’ regards your reading material,” Jessica said, “I’ve looked at the list of books that you’ve read, and I have a question. Marx, Mao, and Hitler were just the beginning. Why are you reading that ancient garbage? I’m going to send you a proper reading list. You need to study the real masters, the ones who built upon and perfected the original theories, not those cavemen.”

“I can’t wait!”

Jessica leaned forward with an evil smile.

“Tell me, Karashel,” she asked. “What do you know about… popularism...”

***

“So, what do you think, Terrence?” Jessica said after a much longer than anticipated call with a very strange little creature indeed.

“It isn’t my place to say, ma’am,” Terrence replied as he refilled her cup yet again and placed a small plate of cookies beside it.

Jessica laughed delightedly.

“That bad?”

“I just can’t help but wonder,” Terrence said politely, “the Baleel are a very valuable source of much needed food. Why are you hazarding that by encouraging her revolutionary ambitions? We could easily save the Baleel from their immediate crisis with the condition that they behave themselves, keep out of trouble, and keep us supplied. They would have certainly taken that deal.”

“Because, my dear Terrence,” Jessica said as she nibbled the corner of a cookie, “I think she might just pull it off… Besides, I think it’s going to be fun. Come on, giant commie space slugs? How can I pass that up?”

“If you say so, ma’am,” Terrance said with just the right amount of disapproval.

Jessica chuckled as she checked her email.

There was one from Gordon!

*Re: re: re Critical issue involving Johnsons!!! *

I have received your feedback and have corrected the issue. I trust the attached document will be to your satisfaction ;)

“If you will excuse me,” Terrence said as he rushed from the room. He did NOT want to see that attachment.

Jessica chuckled, carefully set down her teacup, and braced herself.

She opened the attachment and burst into laughter.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” she laughed as she beheld the photo.

She paused and smiled.

Well, she had a minute to kill…

Before she could slide her hand under her desk, an emergency alert flashed across her main screen.

“This had better be good!” she snapped, quite annoyed with timing, at a professional-looking blonde in a grey Morgan Security uniform.

“An unidentified ship just entered the system, type unknown. The occupant is asking to speak with you and says that it is urgent.”

“Great, now what?” Jessica muttered.

“Ma’am…” the blonde said in a bit too even of a voice, “We think it may be the Veiled Ones.”

Jessica sighed and looked at the image of Gordon sprawled provocatively amid entirely too many luridly decorated body pillows… of her (Where the hell did he even get those?).

“Sorry, babe, you are going to have to wait,” she said as she closed the image.

“Ma’am?” the blonde asked in confusion.

“Nothing,” she replied. “Let’s talk to the Veiled Ones. Put them through.”

The Matriarch appeared, concealed by a large drape, on her screen.

“Jessica Morgan,” the veiled figure said with a strange buzzing voice, “You have no idea how long I have wanted to meet you.”

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